It’s Been A While

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It’s been a long while, actually.  It’s been over two years since I blogged and it feels rather strange.

I didn’t stop intending to do so for so long.  I did start finding that it was taking more time than I wanted it to, more time than I wanted to give.  I had found a groove of clothes that I liked and that felt like me, and I no longer felt the need or desire to document it.  I was pregnant and then taking care of three kids and low-key homeschooling and moving (twice…three times if you count the latest to a different temporary apartment).

But much as I’d like to attribute my blogging pause to life just getting busy, that wasn’t really all of it.  I’ve been lucky to have really easy pregnancies physically.  I just need to eat regularly and then I don’t get sick.  I’ve never had heartburn and I sleep so soundly that I rarely even wake up to go to the bathroom.

But my pregnancy with Toone was hard emotionally.  Why is that so hard to talk about?  I don’t know what it was, but I just felt so…not me.  I don’t know if it was having two other little kids at home or the stress of knowing we’d have to sell our condo and find a house or something else entirely, but whatever it was, it just felt like too much.  And that’s embarrassing!  There are lots of people who have 4 kids!  Or 6 kids!  And work!  And cook from-scratch meals and take their kids to the library twice a week and volunteer!

Well.  It’s so easy to compare, isn’t it?  I felt like I should be handling things better.  I felt like blogging just wasn’t that big of a deal or adding much to my plate.  But even a little time uploading pictures or whatever else was enough.

Nat climbed into Kina’s crib and woke her up in the middle of the night one night.  Annoying but not really that big of a deal, right?  I was so angry.  We’d told him multiple times before that he was not allowed to climb in there, especially when she was asleep.  Dan quickly picked her up and moved her into a pack and play in our room while I got nat back in bed.

He was a mess.  He was so tired and thrashing and I had to very physically get him in his bed.  He was pulling away and then as I was pushing him back in his bed, he knocked his head against the railing of his toddler bed.  The not-real-wood, flimsy railing.  He started crying and I held him and rubbed his head.  It was only then that I felt blood.  It was gushing out the back of his head.  He must’ve hit it at just the right angle to get a big gash.  I screamed for dan and pressed a towel on the wound and Dan rushed him to the emergency room while I stayed home sobbing with our again-sleeping baby.

He was fine.  He didn’t even cry on the way to the hospital and they put in 3 staples and we gave him some Tylenol.

But it felt like all my fault.  Of course it did!  I still don’t know if it was.  I still can’t think through everything that happened clearly enough to know whether I could have done something differently.  Of course I could have done something differently.  I could’ve been calmer and not angry and maybe that would’ve changed things, or maybe not.  But I did know that I had to divest responsibilities after that.  I had to focus on loving my kids and being calm for them so I could teach them to do the same.

So.  No blog!  Is that rational?  Probably not.  But I wasn’t feeling very rational.  Just overwhelmed. It didn’t really make any sense to connect the blog to my mistake of patience and love.  But I was still figuring out what/how to change what I needed to change and this seemed as good a thing to cut as any. After toone was born, it still took a long while to feel like I had things together again.  Moving again (across the country this time) (and planning for it for a year) probably didn’t help.

I still have no interest in returning to the way I was blogging.  But the last few months, I’ve been feeling like I want to resurrect the old-school version of my blog. Way back when it was just  Back when it was just recording our family adventures so I could print it off in a book at some point in the future and keep relatives updated on our lives.  I’m not really sure why.  Probably because it’s just fun for me to go back and see what we did in something longer than an instagram post.  Maybe because we’ve done a lot of exploring over the last few years (both domestically and internationally) and I want to house that information somewhere, both for my future self and for the two people who may want to reference that info.  Also because we live far from all the grandparents now and they like that sort of thing.  And because I’m terrible at instagram brevity.

Is that completely boring?  Of course it’s completely boring.  Nobody in the right minds except for grandparents should have any interest in that.

From henceforth,

I can’t wait.

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